1. Let's start from the very beginning... Please tell me about the very first days of AUTUMN TEARS. When did you decide to form the band? Why? Have you ever had line-up changes since then?

ERIKA: It's still very clear in my memory, that first day I became part of the band in September 1995. Ted and I were riding the commuter train home from work (that was when I still worked in Boston, MA and lived in the same town as Ted). He asked me in a very shy and roundabout way if I would be interested in singing on this project he was working on. Of course I said yes. Ted and I had been friends for over 5 years, so I knew we could work together well. When I heard the neoclassical music he was writing for AT, I was intrigued. That wasn't what anyone expected at all; Ted had always been into metal, and for a short while played guitar and sang in a metal cover band in college.

As far as lineup changes, it was Ted and I exclusively until after the release of "The Garden of Crystalline Dreams, Act II" in 1997. After that CD, I left the band because I had too much going on in my life. Ted found Jennifer LeeAnna after a long search. Together, they recorded "The Intermission", which appeared on the reissue of the first CD. I did some session vocals on that, and then also on the "Absolution" mini CD, and then returned to the band in 1998. I missed it too much.

Today finds us with Ted, me and Jen as permanent members, and for the new CD, we have Greg from Sound of Enoche and Terran from Maudlin of the Well playing some session instruments, which have added a new dimension to our music.

2. What have influenced you to form a band? Was this decision a spontaneous one or may be you all dreamed about being musicians from your yearly childhood? :)

ERIKA: I always wanted to be in a band. I saw a live band at a restaurant once when I was about 6 and knew that's what I wanted to do. Ever since childhood, I enjoyed singing and "performing" for all my relatives. I also was always into metal music, which was a huge influence for me wanting to be in a band. When I was thirteen, I took up electric guitar and played for several years, kind of had a band, but we never went anywhere or played to anyone. Once I got into college, life became very busy, and even though I always listened to music and sang, I more or less gave up on the band idea. Thus, I was very happy when the opportunity with Autumn Tears came along.

3. "Act I" is your very first album or you had recordings before this album?

ERIKA: No, "Love Poems for Dying Children, Act I" is the first material
ever committed to tape.

4. I had a chance to listen to 4 albums of AT: Acts 1, 2, 3 and MCD. Are there any I don't know?

ERIKA: You've heard them all. We're not a band that is productive enough to have a bunch of unreleased tracks scattered on comps across the world. Music comes very spontaneously to us, and at random times. Our songwriting process is slow, because we like to take our time, so for us to complete an album is a feat, let along write a whole bunch of extra songs that don't make it to the CD.

5. Albums of AT have one pretty uncommon for the rest of bands quality - they don't differ much one from the other. I talk about the music and not about technical details/ production. I enjoy your debut act as much as your last one offering... do you agree with me? How do you see evolution of AT over the years?

ERIKA: I'm glad you like the first CD so much. I think it's okay, but to me it really sounds like a first effort. Over the years, the songwriting has become less repetitive and simple, with greater complexity in the instrumentation used and the melody lines chosen. The vocals have improved greatly - the addition of Jen with all her professional training has made me practice so much harder. We grow, but slowly. Our new music will be the most different of all our releases - it has many more live instruments and sounds even more rich and lush than the "Winter and the Broken Angel" music.

6. 4 albums are released in 5 years... It's impressing. Many bands disappear even after their debut album. Why do you keep on writing music? What makes you to waste your time, money, and emotions? Musicwriting became a habit or nothing really changed over the years in your feelings/ attitude since the time when you just started to experiment with music?

ERIKA: Music is a part of our souls. It's our way of expressing the feelings inside, as well as creating something of lasting beauty. But for us, it is not a job to be done or something which we can just sit down and do, like many bands. We have to wait until the atmosphere and the emotions are right before the songs start emerging, which is why we're so slow. Four CDs in five years might seem impressive, but if you really look at it, more than three years passed between the release of "The Garden of Crystalline Dreams, Act II" and "Winter and the Broken Angel, Act III." That was a terribly long time. "Eclipse," the next CD, should be out by mid 2002 if all goes well.

7. I was introduced to music of AT through Palace of Worms' compilation dedicated to Taro cards. Your track just blew me away... to my surprise your other songs are pretty different from that track but I like them still. One thing I was really surprised is that AT is an American band. It's really uncommon for Americans to create music filled with atmosphere and feelings. Well, may be you don't agree with me... I hardly can name bands from your shores that manage to create real atmosphere... mmm, AT, JUDAS ISCARIOT, BLOOD AXIS, WHILE HEAVEN WEPT... may be a couple more I forgot. Do you agree with my pretty pessimistic view on American scene?

ERIKA: Yes, I sure do. The American scene is pretty sparse when it comes to original, dedicated bands (unless of course you want to find 200 that sound like Cannibal Corpse). That was one of the reasons Ted and I decided to make Dark Symphonies a label that releases only the best American (and now world) music it can find. We want to promote excellence in music. I must say that Rain Fell Within, Novembers Doom, Brave, Corvus Corax and Maudlin of the Well are all carving new territory into the US music scene. The black metal band Averse Sefira (on Lost Disciple Records) is excellent too.

8. I have seen Top 10 of favorite albums of your band and it looks like AT members are really into metal stuff... what a surprise! In general I notice that metal freaks are pretty closed-minded towards non-metal stuff and non-metal folks prefer not to listen to metal. How can you manage to handle those pretty different genres?

ERIKA: I guess we must deal with two separate groups of metal freaks, because all the ones I've met have been very accepting of music like AT. Autumn Tears' main fanbase in the beginning was compromised of metal people, and I would stay is still made of a majority of metal people. The underground metal community has embraced us with great enthusiasm. Very open minded people, I would say. It's the standard metal people, those who listen to popular stuff like Korn or Limp Bizkit that are the most narrow minded, but then again, we're active in the underground metal scene, so we're not concerned with that population.

It's true that non-metal people generally don't listen to metal, but what's excellent about AT's music is it touches people all over the world, who listen to all types of music. This neoclassical style is much less threatening than metal in general - our moms and co-workers might not understand the dark content of the lyrics, but they can at least appreciate the singing and the music!

9. One thing I really hate on AT albums... those songs with "black metal" whispers... they sound so out of place... It's kinda infantile. Will you continue to use them?

ERIKA: Not everyone liked those songs, but they were sung from the evil character's point of view, so the vocals were appropriate. Pretty opera vocals certainly wouldn't have gotten the point across. We're all about consistency and theme, and what drives me crazy about a lot of bands is the lack of attention to vocal variation in relation to the lyrics. If you're singing angry words, sound angry. If you're supposed to be a wretched, evil character, sound that way. As far as including them in future works, I cannot say. If it's appropriate, we will. If not, we won't.

10. I know that AT is recording its new album. Could you tell me about the album? Do you plan any changes (I guess the answer is "yes")?

ERIKA: Like I said earlier, we've added Terran and Greg as session members. They're playing flute, clarinet, contrabass, violin and guitar. The live instrumentation has added a deep, beautiful dimension to the music. Up to this point, our songs were rather loosely structured, but now we've decided to make some more songlike - with actual choruses and verses. I'm having a lot of fun with these new song structures. We're having more fun with this CD than the last three combined. We've got a new recording studio and producer, with whom we have a great relationship. Our hope is that this new CD will blow everyone away.

11. My favorite album of AT is the shortest one... there are only 3 songs and at the same time they all amazing. In fact it's one of few MCDs I could recommend to buy - as a rule MCDs suck and they are made for ripping fans off... What about reaction of other people on this mini-act? Believe me or not I'm really enjoyed the last track. Do you plan to continue to fool around with popular music?

ERIKA: I'm glad you like it! That was a fun mini. By and large, people enjoyed it a lot. It's still selling, which means the music it still finding listeners. Most of our fans were starved for music by 1998, so we wanted to release something to tide everyone over until "Winter and the Broken Angel" was released. A lot of people have enjoyed "The Dance," as you have. That appealed to the gothic crowd quite a bit and got us some club play, which was cool. When you create a song like that, you are guaranteed to upset some of your fans, however. There were a few who screamed loudly about that one, but we were clear about those songs being more experimental. It was a nice break from the stringent nature of the Love Poems for Dying Children story, and that's all.

12. Actually, the MCD introduced to us the new member of AT Jennifer. ".the Never" is amazing and truly it's one of the best AT songs. Was the decision to add a new female singer to the band something you came to logically over the time or it's just a coincidence?

ERIKA: I mentioned earlier that Jen came on board as a replacement for me. Keeping her on when I rejoined the band was a great move; her talent has made me develop my skills more so I can compliment her well when we do duets, such as during "Winter's Warning." It's nice to have a different voice to blend into the choral parts as well - it adds more dimension.

13. It looks like you re-release every full-length album of AT. Is the demand for your CDs so good or you are just perfectionists who love to improve your works over and over again? Tell me about your last re-release. What has changed?

ERIKA: I'm happy to say demand has been very good. The reason we just re-released Act II in a digipack was because we'd finally sold out of the original slipcase/oversize booklet version. It would have been nice to reprint that version, but we wanted that one to remain special. Not much has changed on either re-release - we remixed Act I and took out some bad vocal harmonies, basically cleaned it up a bit, and added the track, "The Intermission." In the Act II re-release, we didn't remix, and added the short track "The Blooming," which was featured on the LP version of Act I. I will say that we've only got a couple hundred "Absolution" left, and once those are gone, they will be gone forever, so if anyone is thinking about getting one, don't wait!

14. "Love Poems For Dying Children"... what a sick name for such a lovely and melancholic music. Children who die are so... well, personally I can't imagine this picture. In fact parts with dead children in "Traces Of Death" movie are few I had to skip. How could you find such title for your acts? Your new album will be released as an act of LPFDC series or not?

ERIKA: The title isn't meant to be taken quite so literally. The storyline is about a vampiric creature, and vampires often call the other vampires they create their "children." That's the context we meant it in. The dying children are the progeny of Autumn the Beautiful, the main character of the story. It does grab attention, which is important, but we did not mean it in quite so morbid a fashion. Personally I don't think "dying anything," is to be taken lightly. I just lost a friend to cancer, so I'm glad the new CD is not related to the "Love Poems" saga at all. It's about a new story, and is going to be titled "Eclipse."

15. I'm not a native speaker so I can't enjoy English poetry as much as I do Russian... but I like AT lyrics and I think they are much better than stuff from average band... Ted and Claudia are very talented people and their poetry is vital part of AT's art. How do you choose lyrics for the songs? Do you choose them when the music is written or you write music when lyrics are chosen or...?

ERIKA: Ted writes the lyrics in bursts throughout the creation of the CD. At any given time, we can have three potential sets of lyrics to go with any one piece of music. I just finished the vocals to two new songs, "Eclipse" and "Dawn" and their lyrics actually were one long song at one point. It seemed right to end "Dawn" in the middle of the original lyrics and use the remainder for "Eclipse." I try to listen to the tone of the music and the way it's structured when I choose the words for a song. It wouldn't do to not have the words compliment the music.

16. Do you personally enjoy poetry? Who is your favorite poet?

ERIKA: I'm not a big poetry fan. I like Alan Ginsberg, who was a Beat poet from the 60's. I do enjoy some classical poets, like John Donne, and then more contemporaries, like Walt Whitman and Robert Frost. I've lately been listening to some old folk style music in my collection and am realizing how talented a poet Al (not Rod!) Stewart is. His song, "Road to Moscow" has some of the most amazing lyrics I've ever heard.

17. I have discovered that AT's music is the perfect soundtrack for books of Ivan Bunin, famous Russian writer. Do you know him? He was a Nobel-prize winner in 1933. He used to write love stories a lot and in most cases his stories do not have happy-ends: some people die, some do not share feelings, some betray their first love... Do you read a lot? Who is your favorite writer? Do you know books that could be perfect companions for AT music?

ERIKA: I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with Ivan Bunin, but his work certainly sounds appropriate! Autumn Tears is all about unhappy endings.

I don't have much time to read any more, but I do like to when there is time. I'll read almost anything that crosses my lap: science fiction, horror, drama, true crime, mysteries, non-fiction about forensics, paleontology and other sciences. As far as a favorite writer, I don't really have one - I like Thomas Harris a lot, Dan Simmons and Tom Clancy, to name a few. I'm trying to think of something I've read recently that lends itself to Autumn Tears music, but I can only think of Poppy Z. Brite's stuff. She likes to write very lush, almost hallucinatory horror stories, which in some contexts might be appropriate to be grouped with our songs.

18. As a rule every issue of Stigmata has it's own concept. This issue of our mag is dedicated to suicide. Is suicide a solution? What do you think about that? America is known for it's extremely high rate of suicides...

ERIKA: Suicide is never the right solution, but it certainly *is* a solution, nonetheless. I've dealt with serious depression in the past and I know how bleak life can seem when you feel like you're staring down an endless, gloomy tunnel with no light at the other end. I know what it's like to get up every day and have it hurt to simply be awake. At one point several years ago, I started to think frightening thoughts about giving up - not directly ending my life, but just not having to deal with my problems any longer. Lucky for me I decided to go seek help before those thoughts turned specifically to suicide.

I think America may have a higher rate of suicide because we're all so freaking afraid of death here that we can't even bear to talk about it, or deal with the warning signs a suicidal person exhibits. Plus, the medical system makes it hard to go get help. If you're depressed and not feeling in control of your thoughts, like I was, you have to either wait three-four months (which feels like forever when you're depressed) to get an appointment just to see a counselor who will either help you or get you another appointment with a psychiatrist who can then give you medicine (which could be another month) or you have to check yourself into a hospital. Now I ask you, who in hell wants to wait a possible 5 months to get help OR wants to deal with the shame of checking themselves into a hospital and then explain that to their friends, co-workers and families? It's a TERRIBLE system. People facing that try to deal with it alone and end up failing. They feel there is no help out there, and sometimes even when they tell the people closest to them that they're afraid of what they'll do in the coming days (which I did), all they get is, "You'll feel better, don't worry about it." So you're left to either try to find the strength within you to deal with the system or you take the other way out, and sometimes, after you've been battling depression for years and are about at wits end, you just DO NOT feel you have the strength to last another five months until your doctor's appointment.

19. As you may know Netherlands has legalized euthanasia. What do you think about that? Is that possible to expect something like that in the States?

ERIKA: Well, we put our pets to sleep when we feel they are suffering and we want them to be at peace and free from pain, so why should we not be able to do that with our loved ones? Have you ever been to a nursing home? I have. Old people parked in wheelchairs, barely aware of their surroundings, being abused by careless orderlies and barely-educated workers, while the family spends their child's college education money to keep granddad or grandma alive. Nursing homes aren't all like that, but there's plenty that are. For god's sake, just end it! I sincerely hope that if something happened to me and I was a vegetable that my family would mercifully put a pillow over my face and release me from my hell. Life is prolonged too much, all because the medical field simply can. When the body starts to die, should we really try so damn hard to stop it, when the person has lived a good, full life? Humans have lost touch with their natural lifespan and body processes; thus we suffer into ridiculous old age for our scientific arrogance.

20. From your contact address I see that you live in New England. Am I right? I had a chance to live in Vermont (godly place with amazing nature!) and I have visited Boston as well. I like New England. This part of the States has pretty strange fame for it's past. Lovecraft has created great image of New England. Do you like his stories? And do they have anything common with real spirit of New England?

ERIKA: I moved away from New England last year to live in Austin, Texas. I simply couldn't stand the people or the weather any longer. Yes, Vermont and New Hampshire are utterly beautiful places, once you get up into the northern regions. But Massachusetts is a shithole. I'm sorry, but it's an over populated, over built, over expensive, hectic paced and miserable weathered shithole. I was very tired of almost getting into an accident every day while driving, of having to deal with surly store employees who spoke no English and didn't care to learn, of spending crazy amounts of money on gas, food and housing. In my opinion, Boston is a nice city to visit but not to live. I was not happy there at all. Now I'm down in Texas where my money goes twice as far, my neighbors say "hi" whenever they see me, and the sun shines 300 days of the year. Texas is great.

To get back to your original question, I've read Lovecraft and unfortunately because of my poor New England experience, I do feel that a great many of the inhabitants of the area have crawled from the depths of the sea and are busily serving Dagon every day in the great city of Boston. Troglodytes, pure and simple. I'm glad to be out of there.

20a. I lived in Baton Rouge, LA. Actually, I was studying at LSU. We had a lot of people from Texas. They were really funny with those cowboy hats and stupid cloves... you call them "rednecks", right? Do all people in Texas look like these?

ERIKA: Not at all. I think you saw a bad cross section. Austin's very much a college town with a diverse cross section of people from all over the country. We do have our share of idiots here, but you'll find that anywhere. A lot of people from the Northeast states and California have moved here to take advantage of the technology boom. Of course you do see the occasional cowboy hat and boots, but the people wearing those are either old, or Mexican. Texas is such a huge state - there's plenty of places that are very isolated where you'd find the typical redneck people, but not so much around Austin. The accent isn't even that pronounced. Some people do say "ya'll", but not everyone. It's not a heavy accent such as is found the deep south, like Georgia, Louisana or Mississippi.

21. Since we are doing this very interview in the fall of 2001 we can't miss the last events in NYC. I have noticed that bands from DS will play on some festival dedicated to victims of the terror acts. What do you think about those terrible events? Do you understand that they are results of your own deeds, your foreign politics, arrogance towards the rest of the world? And are you satisfied now when American rockets destroy peaceful towns of Afghanistan (like they did it in Yugoslavia)?

ERIKA: Ah, I've been waiting for these questions. Ever since I saw the footage of the second plane hitting the WTC, I eagerly awaited these questions. My answers are going to piss a lot of Americans off, but I don't care.

First of all, yes, these events happened because of our heavy involvement with Israel, who have been performing terrorist acts on the Palestinians since time immemorial. Essentially we have been supporting terrorists. So now we got a taste of what those people live with every day - the horror, the fear, the anger. I'm not saying that I think what was done was okay - it wasn't. It was horrible. If that attack had happened six days later I might have been one of the dead; I was going to be sightseeing in NYC the Monday after the attack. But look at it from the terrorists' point of view. How else to get a nation as big and arrogant as the US to pay attention to you? And I'm going to get a lot of flak for this comment, but I am SO FREAKING SICK of people around me howling about how cowardly those attacks were. Cowardly? Are you kidding me? Those terrorists lived for months, perhaps years, with the knowledge that on September 11, 2001, they would die. Not "maybe it'll be a close call and I won't die in the crash," or "maybe I'll just get arrested," - no, they got up that morning, and got dressed knowing that in a few hours they would be so much ash along with the rest of their victims. They walked down the jetway to those planes and sat in their seats and knew they were dead. That is DISCIPLINE. That is BELIEF. Nobody in America holds a belief that strong - our entire society is based on hamburgers and malls and Britney Spears and red neck reactions to things. Sure, our armed forces are courageous and trained to be so, but I challenge you to find a single one who wouldn't opt to come back home to be with their loved ones and leave this whole farce behind.

As far as what we were supposed to do in response? I don't know. We had to do something. To not react would have been to look weak, but who do you react to when the perpetrators are a shadowy terrorist organization? The thing everyone needs to understand is a very small number of people made the decision to start bombing Afghanistan. I didn't make it, nor did my neighbor nor his. Many people were against the initiative, but there was no vote, no consultation. It was George W. and his advisors, not the actual nation. And do not even get me started on George W!

No, of course it's not right that innocent people have died in the bombing attacks. However, I do feel that if this puts the Taliban out of power that will be a good thing. I don't agree with how the Taliban took away the rights of the Afghani women - took away their jobs, their money, made them stop their educations and basically be prisoners of their own houses. As a woman, I cannot be supportive or sympathetic of any organization that treats my kind as property, simply because we can't grow a beard and don't have a penis. That makes me very angry, and I think many countries feel similarly.

21a. What do you think about "conspiracy theory" behind 9-11 events? I mean after those events American government got so much power that it's about to be called "totalitarian". Actually, some people think that Bush and his government could organize 9-11 catastrophe just for getting more power. In the long run America could witness future like in notorious book "Turner Diaries". Any ideas?

ERIKA: Any powerful organization could coordinate such a catastrophe, but I really don't think our government did such a thing. However, once George W. got into the presidential seat, he basically started puffing up his chest and saying, "We are America! Look how strong we are! I'm going to make the armed forces even stronger so we can kick anyone's ass who challenges us!" There was a lot of US opposition against this viewpoint, because the president was planning on cutting money from things like healthcare and social security in order to channel the money to the military. Once those planes crashed into the WTC, though, Bush got carte blanche to spend as much money as he needed to "kick someone's ass." Now nobody blinks when it is said that more funds are needed for more warplanes or bombs. For a president who's legitimacy has been questioned since the start (it's commonly held that Gore should have won - a very quite and careful coup may have been staged with the bullshit vote recounts in Florida), he's certainly rising in status among the American people. He got what he wanted. Now he can "save" the world from terrorism. A bill was just passed allowing the police to search anyone's home without permission (which they needed before). So much for "America, the land of the free." Now, all the rights which US people have taken for granted for so long stand the chance of being compromised.

22. I'm afraid that this new American "crusade" will end in the USA... do you?

ERIKA: I'm not quite sure what you mean by "end in the USA." Please clarify.

22a. The history teaches us that you can't win a war with terrorists by force. I mean that America can't fight with Muslim terrorists without danger of being attacked back. Muslims used to fight for ages, Americans never won any war, well, the only exception is "Cold war". So, this war with terrorists is more dangerous for America and not for Islamic countries...

ERIKA: The crux of the situation is this: Americans are not warriors. We're soft and cowardly and we have too many interests we want to protect, both at home and abroad. The Islamic peoples are warriors. What do they have? Strife ridden countries where war has been a part of life for thousands of years. Has anyone taken a good look at the Afghan countryside lately? You don't grow to adulthood in that miserable place and end up soft and gentle. There are no swimming pools, no green meadows, no parks. It's a harsh, raw, colorless land that breeds fervent belief in a glorious afterlife in the service of your god. What else is there, in such a place? Plus, Islam as a religion rewards dying for your beliefs - each soldier who steps out on the battlefield each day carries with him the belief that if he dies defending his land and his religion that he's immediately going to Allah. Death is a way to glory. It's very much an old way of thinking, and it frees them from fear. We'll never win. We'll pound the hell out of them and make them hate us more and more, and then they'll bide their time and maybe crash a plane into the Capitol or the White House next time. Who knows what they will do next? I just read a news article that mentioned there is a chance someone may decided to use a nuclear weapon against us (not like that's a big surprise, but it's never nice to see that in your morning paper).

We cannot fight an enemy that could be sitting next to us on the bus in the morning! All the terrorists in the world do NOT live in Afghanistan! Even if we killed Osama bin Laden, put his head on a stake and paraded up and down the streets of Washington, that would not end terrorism. As long as there
are small groups of people with fervent beliefs who wish to strike back at the larger countries or political powers they feel are stepping upon them, there will be terrorism. Plain and simple. Humans are warlike, territorial creatures who will always fight and kill each other, and in this case, the
US has a great deal more to lose than the Islamic people. And lose we will... it's already started.

23. Well, it's time to finish our interview. I do not want to end it with some political debates. Let's talk about activities of Dark Symphonies. Take your time and tell our readers about your plans, new signings... time for commercial! Feel free.

ERIKA: First of all, thank you for one of the better interviews I've done this year. I appreciate getting to voice my thoughts about some interesting subjects!

Dark Symphonies is going to be busy as usual in 2002. Rain Fell Within is completely finished with their new CD - all they have to do is get it mastered and finish the layout. Novembers Doom is working on recording their follow-up to The Knowing. I've already seen the artwork by Travis Smith - it's eerie and beautiful. We're very excited about it. Both of those will be out in early 2002. Our newest release will be from the Hungarian band, Without Face. We are re-releasing their first CD, "Deep Inside" which did not get much exposure here in the US. That will be out by the end of next month. Autumn Tears has about 6-7 songs finished - we're about half done with "Eclipse." Our gothic/darkwave sublabel, Lure of Lorelei is eagerly awaiting The Twelfth of Never to complete their next CD, which will be the first LoL release. Things are going well... thanks to the support of people like you, Igor, and your readers. Thank you all for reading and anyone who is interested in Autumn Tears or any other Dark Symphonies band, please visit www.darksymphonies.com

24. Sometimes I receive letters from our readers who believe that people like us (the ones who write about depressive music) can help them with some personal stuff... actually, they tell even about their thoughts about suicide.Frankly, I've never had such ideas in my head and I do not know what to answer. What would you advice to people who find themselves in such situation? You say you have found help. Where other people should try to find such help?

ERIKA: That's very difficult to say. When a potentially suicidal person reaches out, even if it's to a stranger, that's a major step for them. The answer they receive can either give them the strength to continue on a little longer or could send them into further depths of depression. The medical profession and counselors always say don't keep the thoughts inside - talk to your doctor, priest, teacher, parents, friends... but when you're feeling so low and starting to think about killing yourself, sometimes there a sense of hopeless shame involved in such feelings, and you don't want to tell those you love about how you feel. You're scared they'll judge you, they'll say you're sick and recommend you do something scary like check into a mental hospital or take antidepressant drugs. You desperately want someone to talk to about how you feel, but sometimes it's hard to justify the bad feelings when your life appears not all that bad. You're not homeless; you're not dying of cancer. Your parents or lover or best friend didn't just die in a horrible accident. You just feel bad, hopeless, and unable to cope with the world. Don't get me wrong; sometimes a terrible thing just did happen, but a lot of the times, it's just tons of little things building up, over the years.

I'm no expert on this - I just speak from experience. If you're feeling suicidal, you need to find *someone* who will listen, even if that is a stranger. Sometimes friends/parents/other people who know you are not objective enough to realize you're serious. You get the "oh, it's not *that* bad, is it?" reaction which just about makes you want to whip out a razor and slash your wrists in front of them, screaming, "Yes, it *IS* that bad! That's why I'm asking for your compassion!" So... if you try to talk to someone and they don't take you seriously or they don't know how to deal with what you've said, DON'T GIVE UP! Find someone else. There is ALWAYS someone, even if you have to call a telephone hotline. Compassion is there for you... but you must be clear about your feelings. Write everything down - that can help alleviate the pressure inside you as well. And in the end, checking into a hospital for a while or taking medication is better than being dead. You always have a choice, and when you pull yourself back from that brink, you truly know the meaning of strength and control. It's very empowering. Nothing in life seems very scary after you've pulled yourself out of the nadir of your suffering.

25. You know what is really funny? "Totalitarian" states like those with Muslim religion don't know about suicide at all. Any ideas?

ERIKA: The worshippers of Islam have a completely different mindset and culture than other cultures. Those people grow up with extreme regimentation in their lives - they don't have nearly as much freedom of thought as we do. I don't know if suicide is expressly prohibited by the Islam, but if it is, you can damn well bet those people will adhere to that edict and follow the rules, because they take their religion very seriously. It is an indelible part of how they define themselves as people. They truly believe in Allah and in the fate that awaits them in the afterlife if they don't follow the guidlines of the Koran. They're very focused, very serious, very indoctrinated.